Brotherly Instruction

New Years Eve; I complain about the obscene belly fat I'm carrying.  My waist is 40.  The fattest in my life, during a downswing, was 36.  I'm freaking out.  I'm single and older. I'm gay. This is an emergency.  My brother tells me; "You can't get rid of it now.  You're too old, after a certain age you can't really lose that."  This he says six days after my 66 birthday.  He doesn't understand the mind of a gay man; certainly not a single one over sixty.

I go gluten free.  Oh hell yes, I'm dairy free.  What the fuck.!  I start to get ever so slightly more energetic. I start to see results. It makes me dive back into exercise. I start to have anxiety if I miss the gym two days in a row.  What do you think?  Five weeks almost six later I am a 34.  I can live with 34. I will not. I will become a kickboxer and get back down to 32. I took a picture of my belly before I started gluten free.  I looked at it occasionally to give me incentive.  It was motivating.  I took a picture today.  OMG fucking exclamation point!  It's an ad for the back of a comic book.  I should post the two pictures on facebook like every other asshole in the world. Never. I may also be an asshole but I am not like every other asshole in the world.

So what do brothers know after all?  God bless him; he just talks shit like all the rest of us.  Experts on things we know nothing about.  Is it any wonder that in Proverbs God tells us the smartest thing we can ever do is not open our mouths.  Even when praying. He says 'use as few words as possible'. God doesn't want to hear our bullshit.  Funny since He invented it.

Today's Dreams are the answers to Tomorrow's Questions

 That's an interesting statement.  Today's dreams are the answers to tomorrow's questions. Understand I am stating this literally; not a fruh-frah metaphor or an allusion to one's hopes and aspirations. A literal statement, if you pay close attention you will find that many of the dreams you dream today contain hints and answers to happenstance or questions that occur in your future.
  I naturally would not have any difficulty with this as a declarative statement.  I won the lottery twice as a result of dreaming the winning number precognitively.  I dreamt of the death of my wife hours before it occurred, being across the continent with my brother a week prior. There are a great many true examples of the statement being accurate and factual in my life.
  Considering these examples reminds me 'there are more things in heaven and earth...' .  I ponder: if I could control my dreams would I then be able to control my future?
  If Jesus was in fact Jesus Christ and divine did he dream? Why would He dream? Of what? Perhaps he simply went elsewhere while asleep.  I have that experience as well.

Depression for the Year

You know what's depressing today?    After 45 years our prayers were finally answered and Colorado legalized marijuana; but now I not interested anymore.  Smoking pot may interfere with my workouts and gluten free diet.  There's no app to determine where the pot locations are and I'm not about to do anything that I have not been directed to do by my phone.  On top of that after one hundred and fifty years we finally get a black president and he turns out to be an African American Calvin Coolidge.  Boring. Nothing. We would have done better on automatic pilot the past eight years. He is the biggest disappointment since George McGovern and Eagleton. Know what I'm talkin about? How can we afford to give everyone medical care; that is the question put to me by a Master's level educated man who teaches in our schools.  I'm sorry what planet are you on?; Afghanistan and Iraq are absolute necessities? More important than the health of human beings.  I believe in reincarnation. Haven't I been here before?  Wasn't Obama's name Trajan or something like that? Duh.

Is Google the real Wizard of Oz? Yes Google is Oz.

Google, the new 'Oz', prompts me to post a title preceding this prose.  Who works at Google? Does everyone there have a title to every one of their days?  Probably so.  I imagine them to be uniquely boring people who are capable of encapsulating anything.  I have no doubt that Google could explain the entire Middle Ages within the span of a URL.  Something like Darkfeudalplaguechurchrules.com  I could never do that; I could never work at Google.  I will say I am completely 100% googlized and it was entirely voluntary.

In 1969 and part of 70 my wife and I were technically homeless.  We never slept on the street or in a car.  We were not limited to parental domesticity. Many friends offered, insisted, enjoyed her and I living in their basements, spare rooms and in one case porch.  After she became ill I never again was without my own home.  Essentially I provided myself and Susan with a place to live via friends until we desired our own place because she became ill.  From that day until the age of sixty I lived within the confines of my own castle walls.  Being one of the crowd known to be addicted to dope and a self proclaimed crack head at the age of sixty (what crowd was that? you ask) I had to surrender independent living at that advanced (but still 'hot') age.  I lost everything in life to drug addiction... twice.  This last time that included my home and at that age the parents were already gone.  So i live in another man's house.  I have for five years.

There's no point pursuing that thought.  I am never honest in print when it may be seen without my controlling the situation nor when I am vulnerable in any way to the situation which is the topic of the writing.  Blah Blah Foo-Frah.  I should just say I'm paranoid about writing.  I want to. I want to blow the lid off the topic. Oh I want to go home to San Francisco.  I want great wealth.  I want legendary sexual prowess.  I want to shut up and be content.

I expect that one day all of these wants will be satisfied by Google.

Did God Plan on Cock?

My conversation with God this morning is full of questions. It always is.  Why can't I control the size and girth of my cock?  Really. I think there would be less war. Is it so much to ask for? If i can determine when my eyes close, when my muscles flex, when my head moves why is it that I cannot control when my cock is hard. You created men to be ruled by their cocks.  I usually have a lot of cock questions for Him.  What's all this bullshit about arthritis, excess stomach acid, hair loss, permanent tooth loss.  What do you mean I can't grow new teeth. Can a shitty little reptile grow a new tail. What's up with that God? What the fuck is all this shit about being poor or hungry or celibate or lonely and don't turn it around on me.  I'm not down for that anymore.  I did not create a creature that has the mind and intelligence to manipulate the Universe but is tied to  daily shitting and pissing and eating and drinking and lust and desire.  All that shit wasn't my idea.
If you're God you must be right and then I'm wrong.  Come on God why can't I take all the drugs I want and drink all the beer I want without getting addicted or fucking up my life.  Really.  What the hell did you create drugs for anyway.  You are the biggest bartender I know of. Drug dealer too.  I imagine I'll be punished for my insolence.  In a sneaky way; it will seem to be naturally occurring.  Or better yet something that is my own fault. Oh You love that one.  Do You not?  When I stop to think of it God, I really love You.  I mean I love You and that's no froo-frah; no bullshit; no patronizing because I am supposed to love You.  I've thought a lot about it for several score and I love You.  Even when I don't know it.  Yeah I love You but I don't always like You.  If you think about it even Jesus didn't say Like God with all your heart; just love Him.  It's easier to love you God when I know I don't have to like You.

Christmas the Feast of Neverchange

Christmas.  Less than 72 hours.  My 66th Christmas on earth in the physical plane.  Rather fucked up skeletal system from neck to feet is an inheritance.  Where does that come from?  Five years clean and sober now; six years from Angle Inn trailer park and the beginning of this, my eighth, life in this cycle of Harry Michael Freeman.  Christmas is exactly the same this year clean five years as it was after using five years.  Clean...Using... Christmas is the same.  That is a sad statement.  Six months now since I stopped smoking. No tobacco at all for six months; this is a first in 55 years.  If I can resurrect from drugs and alcohol a second time, if I can quit smoking then I should be able to conquer my inability to function in society.  I go to seven NA meetings per week and have no one to talk to.  I am accepting that I am alone because I am supposed to be alone and will be alone; the only person who may have been able to own me is dead; now I cannot belong to anyone.  Blessed is he who is alone.  If he uses that solitude according to its true purpose.

HOW THE LOTTERY HAS NOT CHANGED MY LIFE

Work six days a week;  social security early retirment (50%cut cause early minus $200 cause they say I'm in arrears) and my total monthly income nets $200 per month less than  unemployment.  This was not the plan.  Is there any way out of this other than the lottery?